Tuesday, September 16, 2014
My goal for my 40th was not to be pathetic like I was for my 30th. At that time, 10 years ago, gosh, time flew....I was recently widowed. I celebrated my birthday by going to work and wearing all black to mourn my 20's. I had 3 very young children. I had given up my career and decided to do something a friend told me made good money, flexible and easy. I went to nail school. And shortly after, found a job. Mind you, I barely knew how to put makeup on, do my hair and def couldn't paint nails so this was an interesting direction to move towards in my life. It didn't help that everyone spoke Vietnamese and after 10 years, the only words I understand is em, pho and banh mi.
So here I am. 10 years later. I look back and I wish I can redo my 20's because it was a complete disaster. 3 kids by age 26, a cheating husband that died from his own destruction and his family who vowed to be there, did nothing but cause more trouble, problems and heartache.
My kids are now 19, 17 and 14. And I can't be more proud of my independent beautiful, smart children. I've remarried and soon celebrating our 5 year anniversary.
I gave up on a career change because I realize, I do love what I do. I meet people, with my gift of gab, I have lots of fun! It's flexible and my faithful clients take really good care of me.
I ended up focusing on me. I turned towards fitness. I was once a cigarette smoking girl who loathed living because of my own life decisions. I learned that it was up to myself to be happy. Not my spouse, not my career, not my kids, not money.
I used most of my energy running. Because I wanted to try it. I wasn't great, I wasn't fast and I certainly didn't love it. But I ran. I ran about 6 miles every night. I turned to fitness. And at one point, I wanted to do it full time. Then I started to hate it. I didn't want to be involved in the politics and in that circle of fitness gurus I was surrounded by. I suddenly felt like I had to prove myself to everyone and soon it wasn't fun anymore. I do miss being a trainer for a short period but I don't miss waking up super early.
From all that running, we got into 5k's. My husband, who hated it more than me, runs faster and better with beautiful stride. We then found obstacle races, mud runs, zombie runs, we did them all. Then we got bored. He found crossfit and left me behind and I resented him and crossfit. When we once did everything together, he would leave me out. I felt left out and I got angry. I resented him, and his gym. And he continued to leave me out of parties, and gatherings. Soon I found myself doing crossfit and loving it. Especially after a painful knee dislocation, I was advised not to run. I found my own gym and a slew of new friends! I still wanted to be a part of my husbands life and started to get depressed. When things didn't turn for the better I realize. Again. I need to find happiness. Not in him, my kids, my job.
So I did. I did things that made me happy. I eat at my favorite restaurants, I go to beach, I workout, and learning to do it alone again and loving the time I spend with the most awesome person ever, me.
So here I am. And my last positive goal I set was to be in the best shape I've ever been. I spent years trying to lose weight. I'd lose it and gain it back. It's been so frustrating. But I stopped and thought for a moment. Holy crap, I AM, in the best shape I've ever been! According to the scale, I didn't lose weight but my body has definitely transformed. I was giving myself such a hard time because my deadline was quickly approaching! I may not have the rock hard solid abs I wanted but I have abs. I have quads, I have traps, shit, I look damn good for 40!!!!
So my goal now? Look even more amazing at 50. And still rock my life with this badass contagious smile.
I grew up always not fitting in. I was neither girly or tomboyish enough. I wasn't Asian enough or white enough. I was never super smart but I wasn't dumb. I'm not ugly and I sure as hell not hot. I'm not dainty but I'm not rough.
I lived my life never fitting in. And never fitting in, is what I do best.
My husband started a new job
My oldest started college and left for Orlando
She turns 19
My middle daughter, 17, is a senior in high school and just got her drivers license
My only son is 14, and started high school
We own a house, 3 cars, 2 dogs
We're not rich, we're not poor.
We are all healthy.
What a year this has been....
I can't wait to see where my life takes me next!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Well, this 2012 Thanksgiving we decided to drive up to the Carolina mountains. My mother in law has become a prepper/survivalist. They've built their house to be so self efficient, even their poop waste gets composted. The last time we were there, the small, one bedroom house wasn't ready. This time, not only were they pretty settled in, they have goats for milk, rabbits for breeding AND eating, ducks, beehives, and the cutest Austrailian shepherds ever!
Thanksgiving morning, I wasn't expecting a traditional thanksgiving meal. My mother in law always told me she never cooked. And explained that was why her kitchen was so spotless.
Well much to my surprise, there sat a beautiful roasted turkey, the green bean casserole, stuffing, cranberries etc.
Apparently she's been cooking!
What I wanted most? To literally dive into my bed and melt into my mattress as my cozy blankets and pillows envelope me in my fabric softener scent.
How spoiled are we? In North Carolina, the beds we slept on felt like cardboard and being used to a king sized bed, their little full sized bed felt like I was sleeping in a matchbox.
Now, I look around as I settle back in civilization, I want to change how I live. We truly are spoiled and wasteful. So I ordered a rainwater barrel, bought that countertop Composter I've been eyeballing for a month. Shutting off lights more often, making sure things end up in the recycle bin, be wary of packaging and reuse.
Unfortunately, the way I make a living contradicts what I want and believe in. I'm a nail technician. So much water used for manicures, pedicures, electricity used for esthetics, the paper/plastic wrappers for sterilizing, the countless empty water bottles that go into the trash. The chemicals.
So this year, I'm thankful for realizing how wasteful not efficient I am.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Most people's first impression of me is, "Wow! You're thin and so fit!" But what I see is I'm chunky and I can lose a few more. Granted, we are all extremely critical of ourselves. We are our own worst critics. That is why we have so many men and women who fight insecurities via relationships & Facebook!
I'm here and I'm confessing to my own nastiness here. I may be at the weight I'm supposed to be according to my age and height (according to BMI). But I'm quite squishy. Squishy to me, means, poke my butt, it's squishy. Poke my belly, it's squishy. Get it?
Anyway, I'm not fat. But I certainly don't think I'm skinny. I've had 3 children. Can't say I was health conscious back then. I ate like a fat cow and I looked like one. Not exaggerating one bit. You know, when you're only a few months along and everyone thinks you're having twins and towards the end of my pregnancy, I actually outgrew my maternity clothes. Meaning it was stretched beyond belief and ready to bust at the seams. Yes. For all 3 kids. And the doctor told me I needed to be on a diet. When I was pregnant. So you get the idea and an image now, correct? If not, think of that woman in that Gilbert Grape film confined to her couch.
Well after birthing these demons....how can I put this? Ever blow up a balloon and deflate it? Well that's me. Except with some air left in it. I inherited these ugly stretch marks everywhere. Especially in my tummy area. We're not talking about lightning bolt looking discolorations. I'm talking about the rivers. The ones with indentations where Helen Keller can run her hands across my abdomen and gasp!
So, I've been working out and changing what I'm eating the past 4 years. It definitely was NOT easy. Still isn't. But I'm learning still. I've lost some weight and I've gained it back. But I also found endurance, strength and muscle tone I have never had in my life. I started running 5ks that lead to some insane obstacle races. I'm turning 38 next month. I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself.
But going back to my belly. And the deflated balloon. I'm so uncomfortable with myself that I can't even go to a beach where I might bump into anyone I know. I even reached a point that if I DO know someone who will see me in a bikini, I give them full detailed warning about how ugly my body is. I will not wear a tankini or a one piece. They're ugly! Although I've been checking out the pinup style swimsuits. I'm afraid they'll make my squishy ass look rather large so that kinda halted that search. Plus, they're expensive! Anywho, I have this extra skin. If I lay on my side, I get that belly spillage. Or if my jeans sit below my belly, it hangs over unless I suck in or pull my pants over my belly with the belt hoops. If I'm on the toilet, I pretend I'm plastic man. Or is it Elastic man? Either one, I pull on my belly, grab it, pretend it's playdoh. The more weight I lose the more extra stretch marked skin hangs. If I gain weight, it's not so bad but then I get the muffin top. If I'm nude and place both hands on my sides and use my fingertips to pull the skin, I have the perfect belly.
Tummy tuck you say? Even a mini tuck? I went to a cosmetic surgeon. They said I'm not in horrible shape. That clients that they usually get are more overweight. They said because I'm not that big, there's not a lot of skin to pull and cut to do a tummy tuck to make a difference. If anything, I'll end up with a worse scar going across instead of up & down marks.
That being said, and the breakdown of costs after those consultations made me sad. Even if I went for it, the amount of money for it to not guarantee to take even most the marks away was not worth the pain and healing process. That means no working out either.
My only means to solve this issue is to lose body fat and build up muscle. Because if you see muscle, and a truly fit body, you can overlook those marks right???
Most people who are trying to make me feel better about it, tell me those are marks I've earned from creating my children. Or however they try to put it to make it sound so poetic. It doesn't work. I see women like Brooke Burke on the cover of Fitness magazines and I want to hate them! I'm so jealous! I've also heard that stretch marks are genetic or something like that. Whatever. I'm pissed. And I ate a huge sugar free brownie from whole foods today. That's not going to help me decrease body fat but it made me happy.
I used to live with the philosophy that I should just be happy. I should eat and drink and smoke and live vicariously. Then I see old people that are suffering with things they've could've prevented. And then. I started working out. And then I saw 80 year olds running faster than me. And then I see 60 year olds who can do what I do at the gym. And then I realize....I want to be happy with myself.
And it's hard. When I see even my husband gawk at gorgeous naked or half naked women. Maybe they were photoshopped but still. I don't think photoshop can save me.
So what's better?
I see so many chubby girls wearing things maybe a 4 year old should and walk around confidently.
How did they get to be like that?
Some heavier women commented that they'd be happy to be my size even with stretch marks.
And I'd be happy even if I was slightly porky and no stretch marks.
They can still wear bikinis and not have to cover their stomach area with their arms or towels.
Monday, April 11, 2011
I recently visited the quaint town of Savannah, Georgia. It was a nice light jacket weather. What NYC offers in the Fall or early Spring, unlike the year long summer weather of Florida with a touch of blasty coldness which lasts a total of a week combined.
It was so nice. Cobblestone streets, bike riders, runners, frisbee players, random people standing on corners chatting about the current events.
Then you meet my husband. Texan born, Florida raised. The type that grew up in white picket fence neighborhoods, no crime schools. Him being law enforcement for a low income, crime ridden city where people don't respect even their mother, or sister. Yea, the type you see on COPS, where they screw even their own sister's man and gets pregnant while they themselves are married. Also serving the military busting big time drug deals. I'm sure after years of this has made him quite aware that the world is not so friendly afterall.
Myself, I grew up deep in Brooklyn, NY. I went to HS & college in the city. I've learned to avoid certain places, types of people at certain times. Street smarts, something most people in Florida doesn't have. I let my guard down which is why my husband thinks I'm naive & "unaware of my surroundings". Honestly, I don't care. It's not the same.
This summer, I'm planning to finally take him around NYC and have him see my old stomping grounds. Where I grew up, where I hung out, my friends, family, the bars. I'm so excited. I usually crash at my moms and visit friends. This time I might have to suck it up and hit the god awful touristy spots. I'm dreading taking his paranoid ass thru crowds of pushy ny'rs. Im either going to be arguing with him or pulling him thru crowds. The dirty city. The immigrants. The best dirty restaurants. The smelly alleyways. The horrible traffic. The multicultural rudeness. This will def be an interesting trip. I can't wait! This is my home. My place. My territory.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
GeoTagged, [N32.44322, E80.72440]
I'm really starting to like these low budget quick trips we take. We rent a car, drive off and it starts off uneventful. The more tired we get the dumber we get. Start singing songs and talking about all sorts of BS. Sometimes it leads to really retarded, pointless arguments, sometimes it's just reminiscing or current events.
I guess it's our bonding time. We're stuck in a car for hours. It's either make the best of it or stab him.
Everytime we take these trips, we plan these one day all around town excursions so we hit all the spots and see all the sights within a few hours. This requires an itinerary of what we want to see and mapping it out. Then we either drive or foot it everywhere. It's tiring but fun. Every vacation we've taken includes a self portrait of us both in front of some monument or scenic background.
It's become a necessity.
So. Now we're in South Carolina. After some hotel room wrestling (no, not sex, actual wrestling), we'll plan our trip for tomorrow before we head home. For now, I'll google some hot spots and nap before this wedding starts.
Think I got a bm. Yes. THAT bm. Homemade corned beef hash & grits are moving.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
So…as most of you know, I started running. It all started back in November of 2010. I had no intentions of doing anything more other than extra cardio to burn off some flub. I was happy I was able to run 1/2 a mile. Then it increased. I started running more and more. Just as a personal goal. I ran at soccer practice with my daughter. I made it to 3 miles, then 4, then 6. I wasn’t doing it for time. It was all just for fun and motivation.
Then I heard about a 5K downtown West Palm Beach. Hmm…I decided to register. I finished at 28 minutes. Not the best but it was definitely fun!
Then I decided to do a 5K every m0nth starting January 2011. This led to http://spartanrace.com and http://downanddirtymudrun.com. Now I think I’m crazy. These are in April & May. I hope I can finish it. I don’t know how I let my husband talk me into these things…he’s finishing these races in 23minutes! I'm so jealous. I'm sure it’ll be fun as much as it is challenging.
I wanted to run my 5k’s faster but I started to slack and got lazy. Then this past Sunday, I ran the Brain Cancer 5K in honor of my good friend Robert Johnson who recently passed. Just 5 days prior. I still only finished in 28 minutes. http://events.abc2.org/site/TR/Events/Florida?fr_id=1090&pg=entry
I guess through all this, I still haven’t lost the measly 5lbs I’ve wanted and still not any quicker either. From lack of running…my calves were super sore and this morning I pushed it. 3.5 miles and now my foot hurts so bad I can’t walk. Ugh.
Getting old sucks! But I’ll keep running! Especially when all I see are the 50+ running past me without a sweat! I wanna be JUST like them!